So now my wife has a new laptop. A Dell Latitude D520. A good, solid, not-terribly-exciting machine. Unlike a MacBook, which says "hipster," or an Alienware which murmurs "hacker," or a new Thinkpad, which snickers "executive with expense account," the Latitude simply mutters, "I'm a person who, you know, owns a laptop." On the other hand, it's about a grand cheaper. So it's the one for us! Well, for my wife. When I need a new machine, I'm eyeing that Alienware hot-rod - you know, the one the evil hacker in Die Hard 4.0 rescues before all his colleagues get gunned down (I wonder if the actor got to keep it...).

First things first. No, I don't mean loading up a copy of Pandora so I can spy on my wife - she's way too busy to have affairs. And I'm way too lazy to spy on her, anyway (For what the hell I'm talking about, see the 9/16 New York Times). No: first, you have to optimize Windows. Firstly you do this for speed and performance, secondly for privacy (not from your spouse, but from potential hackers and giant corporate entities), and partly to avoid the hideous annoyances that Redmond builds into your OS so that their executives can justify their bloated packages. I can't do better here than refer you to the website of the scarily named Black Viper. This is the kind of obsessive monomaniac we need on our side.

Next you have to collect all the original discs for the software that was on the old machine. You have those, right? I'll give you a minute to bathe in flop-sweat as you rack your brains. Now, either the acid is rising in your gorge as you think of that box you pitched last year, or you are cool and dry and know where everything is. If you are the latter, as an aside, I hate you.

Some software you don't need to keep on a disc. Downloaded programs that are free, such as Avast (a great anti-virus) and Spybot Search-and-Destroy, a spyware eliminator, you just need to redownload. No biggie.

In our house, we depend heavily on Microsoft Office 2003. Yeah, I know, we could use OpenOffice, the open-source office suite. And I recommend it to anyone who can't afford to buy Microsoft's product or has moral qualms about pirating it. But, like I said, I'm trying to avoid any learning curve whatsoever. And I suppose we could pay to move to Office 2007, but, again, I'm trying to avoid the querelous "Pee-terrr!!!" that comes with the unexpected. Maybe O2K7's "ribbon" is a good thing, but I'm not convinced. I guess anything you get used to is fine.

As far as your web browser and email client, I use FireFox and ThunderBird, both from Mozilla. I haven't started using their SunBird or Lightning calendar products, because I need to sync to a Palm TX on which I'm pathetically dependent. So I'm, perforce, married to Outlook for contacts and calendar.

Then there are programs that have to be activated for a particular machine. Remember to de-activate them first on the old one, before you get to re-activate them on the new one. Here in LA, scriptwriting programs are common, and the two leading ones, Final Draft and Movie Magic Screenwriter, both need activation. My wife is a writing teacher and consultant, so she needs both.

Finally, there are a couple of great little freebies I like, such as Clocx, which provides a customizable on-screen clock, and Audacity, a great free audio editor.

Okay? You're on your own now. If you have questions, feel free to email me at peterbasch@la2day.com . If I know the answer, I'll respond!

In a couple of weeks, we'll investigate PHEV's, or Plug-in Hybrid Electric Vehicles - what they are, how to get one, and whether you should give a rat's ass.

By Peter Basch

Also read: Momma's Got a Brand New Laptop, Part I