1. DON'T FORGET THAT AMERICANS WANT EVERYTHING

And this means Americans want dichotomous things like both security and change. You, a skinny black guy with little perceived experience, represent a scary gamble. Old and blustery white guys, dumb and loud, represent daddy-like security.

So, yes, the logical choice for VP is an old pale face.

The fact is, O, you look too singularly good all alone, standing there, already acting like president . All VP choices seem kind of paltry next to you. The technology isn't quite there to clone a mini-me of yourself, so, you've got to work with what's out there.

On the short list for Obama VP: Top: Evan Bayh
Below: Tim Kaine

SKIP THE PASTY AND SNEAKY LOOKING ONES

You know who I'm talking about. Mr. Tim Kaine and Mr. Evan Bayh, both on your short list. Forget about them. They look like they've got something to hide, no matter how much vetting you do, including turning them upside down and shaking them by their pants cuffs.

JOE FROM SCRANTON

Here's a good choice, unless you actually do trot Hillary out at the last second - she's got 18 million voters in her trouser pockets, and she's a fighter, and you need that - the best pick, since you must go for a white guy, is...

Joe Biden. White. Old. Not Sneaky. Scranton Guy. Ass Kicker.

I know he talks too much, but he's got years of experience in things you don't like terrorist crap. And Mr. Biden as VP could do some ass kicking for you, being from Scranton. And you don't mess with guys from PA coal towns raised on hard scrabble and bologna. If McLame dared to compare him to Paris Hilton, he'd get his block knocked off, in a jovial way of course. And this sort of gusto? Democrats need it. Right now. LIKE NOW!

Does Madame know something we don't? Here, Obama's figure now on display at Madame Tussaud's wax museum in Washington DC. Notice he's not sitting at the desk, but standing next to it like a tourist...

So please, O. For America, for those sentimental Germans, for the world, for planet earth, and for that wog of ice NASA just discovered on Mars - and the little aliens that once drank from its rusty pools - don't screw it up. Dig deep, eat a few nails, and from here until November, land a punch or two. Or three.

Story by Robyn Ewing, LA2DAY's ‘Hot Politics' Bureau Chief.