I would like to be the first person to point out that the enthusiasm behind Sarah Palin, if you actually think about it, is tantamount to evangelicals praying for the death of John McCain. Hear me out people.

How else do you believe they believe any of Palin's "Christian" "policies" would ever be made law? Over McCain's dead body, that's how. As the French rock-star philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy (who famously predicted Obama's rise four years ago) said this week on NPR's Kojo Nnamdi show, "Who is John McCain? John McCain has disappeared. The Republican candidate [for president] is Sarah Palin." (Wamu.org) So, if this is actually the case, the correct Republican presidential ticket should actually read not McCain-Palin, but "Death-Palin."

Death for president - think of the posters and buttons! Palin side by side with the Grim Reaper, sickle and gun crossed overhead, or Palin's mug next to a really cheerful skull, colored with stars and stripes, with a crucifix embossed in its forehead, made of little golden bullets. Damien Hirst, are you out there? Why stop at sharks Damien? It's time to up the ante, man. It's time to start taxidermifying assassinated presidents. The buyers would go totally ape shit at the next Sotheby's art auction. What art collector would not spend millions for the slowly decaying body of the assassinated president of the United States stuffed, mounted, and floating in thousands of gallons of formaldehyde in a giant glass case in their living room? The bidding war between billionaires in the Middle East, Venezuela, North Korea, and Russia would be fierce. Dude, MOMA would go ape shit. Think of the titular possibilities Damien - The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living, TWO. (New York Times)

Seriously. McCain's new-found belief in "Christian values" is as meaningful as P. Diddy's mohawk. And just as convincing. And the evangelicals all know this, and they also know killing him might be their last shot for a really long time. His death would of course be an Act of God, or perhaps just an extremely enthusiastic Palin supporter with a healthy Republican love of hunting rifles and one of those famous Republican relationships with God. (And just in time for the dismantling of D.C.'s gun control laws). The numbers back me up on this. In a recent CNN/MSNBC survey, nine out of ten aspiring, jailed, and would-be American presidential assassins say they were on a mission from God. Only ten percent said healthcare reform.

But, the problem, of course, is the bullet flies both ways. In related news, perhaps you've heard about the Bubba Vote. Former House majority leader Dick Armey, of 1990s Republican Revolution fame, coined this apt phrase earlier this month. Armey said the election might be swung by the Bubbas, who are "an awful lot of people in America, bless their heart, who simply are not emotionally prepared to vote for a black man." (McCain's campaign declined comment, which is an implicit acceptance of what is essentially a Klan endorsement). (USA Today).

I have no polling data to back this up, but you ain't gotta be Carl Rove to figure out that those Awful Lot of People also happen to be the NRA's core base of support, and also most likely the very same people a certain presidential candidate had in mind when referring to people who cling to their guns and religion. If they are not emotionally ready to vote for a black man, how emotionally ready are they to accept him as their president? Their emotional situation only gets worse if you consider Biden's religious background, and the emotional response that hit the last two Catholics that ascended to similar heights on the national stage.

The polling data I do have only makes the situation worse-er. Just this weekend, an AP-Yahoo News Poll (a real one this time) found that people identifying themselves as white DEMOCRATS will not vote for Obama because he's black by a margin equal to 6 percent. (Bush won Kerry by 2.5 percent in 2004). These are white Democrats. The poll didn't even bother polling white Republicans, and that really is an awful lot of people with guns, God, and an axe to grind. (Associated Press)

I've never kicked a 400 pound elephant before, and for the record, I feel sadistic for doing it. (Hey Damien, are you writing this down man - A 400 Pound Elephant!). But this is what it's coming down to. We are dealing with people who are insane. The fact that this presidential race is even a race at all, and is being determined by race, after these last eight years, after these last 399 years, is proof of that. If Obama represents anything it's the hope that one day I will be able to bid on a stuffed, dead white racist American, floating in glass case of formaldehyde, entitled "Relic of a Dead Past," at a Sotheby's Damien Hirst auction in the near future. Now that would be a priceless work of art.

Story by Arturo Bandini.

GO POSTAL, READ MORE: DEATH EATS FLOWERS, VOTES MCCAIN, PONDERS CHARLIE GIBSON'S SCROTUM