California is in flames. Going green costs too much. And the screw-you price of gas is demoralizing us to crumbs.

Soooo you probably don't give a flying crap that superduo Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie are lately hauled up in a romantically cobwebby French fortress far from the sweat and toil of the work-a-day Hollywood celebrity. But some do...

Le Really Big Estate de PittJolie en France, Brentwood Being Not Good Enough 

Indeed, while the most ridiculously good-looking couple in the universe, born and bred Americans, birth their superkids in musty old France, We The People are left to bumble around with our dilapidated American Dreams. Do they know that America elle est dans la toilette? We are in need here. And we need our shiny human icons by our sides.

This is the passionate logic of actress-model-celebrity Ms. Alicia Arden: starring in roles on Baywatch, Silk Stockings, General Hospital; bikini-clad American patriot; tireless defender of the luckless. "What's this? Brad. Angelina. Having their babies in France. And it's great they're giving million dollars to help a Iraqi children. We love Iraq. We love Afghanistan. But c'mon! Charity starts at home!"

And if last Thursday morning, you heard the chant: "Charity starts at home! Charity starts at home!" you'd have been standing with Ms. Arden on the grubbiest bit of real estate in all of Hollywood, Sunset and Vine. You and the booze-addled, the crazily-dressed, the really sweaty, all under a looming Bank of America.

Some art work to express my feelings for stinky old Bank of America that charges $35 every time I go a penny over my balance. Once, this happened 5 times in a single day. Bah.

And why has Ms. Arden chosen the Hollywood headquarters of Bamboozlers of America to launch her protest? This greed bag organization is the new owner of the skuzzbucketiest mortgage lender of all time: Countrywide.

And while some sit numbly, Ms. Arden's raising money for foreclosure victims, albeit Hollywood-style, her gorgeous blonde charges in form-fittiing "Don't Foreclose on Me" tank tops.

It's a mindwhirly fact that 25% of all home loans last year were subprime. And this world-affecting foreclosure debacle, says a NY Times editorial this week, has "metasized into the worst financial disaster since the Great Depression." That's really baaaad, folks!

Shackitecture, circa 1930s. Time to start hoarding cardboard?

Let's take a moment from the dreary landscapes of yesteryore, and our future, to thank California Attorney General Jerry Brown who recently sued Countrywide for being big fat snaky fleecers. And consider electing him for god because he actually does something. 

Artist's rendering of Jerry Brown that I found on the crapshoot that is Google Images, and with his groupie-girlfriend-singer Linda Rondstadt back in the olden days when we made out in rec rooms.

Standing in the Hollywood heat with my crappy Nikon Coolpix, I learn that not only is this entire zipcode in need of a good steam cleaning, but that Ms. Arden's cause is not just for The People, but personal. 

For one, A-Lister types, when approached, did not choose to participate in her efforts to bring awareness to foreclosure victims. Snub! And she has a dear friend losing her home to foreclosure, a Maxim model, which means that being hot does not indemnify you from financial terror. Not only that, her friend's husband, still in his tender thirties, has been the victim of a heart attack due to foreclosure stress.

COUNTRYWIDE KILLS!

And here we bring you the diabolical mastermind of the trillion dollar downfall of the world.

Scary bamboozler and head of Countrywide Mr. Angelo Mozilo sporting his yachting tan to testify recently before a government reform committee about being really, really greedy and giving favorable loan terms to Washington insiders

Whew. He's like the Munsters but without the goofy bits.

But back to you, sitting pretty in your un-foreclosed home, or, your un-owned apartment. You're thinking but not saying this so I'll say it for you: 

WHO CARES ABOUT SCAMMABLE PEOPLE TOO DENSE TO UNDERSTAND THE FINE PRINT OF THEIR MORTGAGE CONTRACTS?

Well, my anti-affirmative action friends. Not all of us have Harvard degrees in Very Fine Print. And, on a practical human level, I ask you this: Who the heck has eyesight good enough to even READ the gobblygook on such contracts? Maybe the Pittolie superkids, born in castles with bionic eyes, soon to read Post-it notes pinned to the moon. But the rest of us are not gifted enough to see, let alone make sense of, type the size of ant poop. 

And back to Ms. Arden, still working it.

She was accompanied by her activist-associate Robert Maltbie, Managing Director of Millenium Asset Management and Forbes.com columnist. They co-run Hollywood By the Numbers, a charity that raises dough for foreclosure victims, for a contribution of $1.99 a month. For this donation you are treated to the facts of foreclosure and a video of more girls in bikinis.

Mr. Maltbie prepares to be snubbed by Bank of America

As part of the protest, Mr. Maltbie, in not, thank god, a bikini, entered Bank of America to dare them to give him ('Not a Friend of Angelo') a loan. The manager, annoyingly cheerful, refused to take the application citing the policy of "online only." Foiled, as expected.

Hollywood Bank of America branch manager unaffected by protest retreats into air-conditioned comfort

In the hell heat of Hollywood that day, I learn a few more things.

For male-only photographers with their dickish long-lensed cameras, model-actress-activists work hard. And I learn that celeb photographers seem to use their cameras as an excuse to linger and ogle, making demands, loooong after they get the shot.

Hound dog photographers to Ms. Arden: "Leg up! Bend! Eyes here, babe!" to which she, a total pro, complies, though she did state nicely a few times "I'm about to pass out."

And so, if you are any sort of American, and inclined to rescue a few home-challenged folk, cheaply, for $1.99 a month, see the latest video release of girls in bikinis against Subprime Slime from Hollywood By the Numbers right here:

http://www.hollywoodbythenumbers.net/

And visit Ms. Arden and see how she employs her god-given assets:

http://www.aliciaarden.com/

AND SEE HOW COUNTRYWIDE FLEECES NOT JUST THE UNHEARD OF BUT RICH HOLLYWOOD PEOPLE WHO LIVE NEXT TO BRITTANY SPEARS...

BY ROBYN EWING for LA2DAY.COM

rae@la2day.com