Ok. Brit's not looking so L.A. hot here, but she's improving. If you are under 30, you can't ruin yourself too badly no matter how creative you get with self-abuse. Unless you are Miss Winehouse with her crack-corroded lungs. But she's a Brit and they are notoriously feeble-chested. There just isn't enough sunshine to go around in Great Britain, and that means a serious lack of vitamin D. Or is it K. Bah. Who kares!

But here's the point: If L.A. was trying out for head cheerleader, she'd win, according to the merry axmen at Starbucks, that caffeine conglomerate with the most boring corporate logo ever designed.

Even the moneybags at Mobile Oil designed a logo with a little personality, one that says I'm your best friend, will never stab you in the back, and once saved a baby squirrel.

Visual lies, but we're smarter than we were in 1972. I think.

Oh the silliness of Starchitecture.

Anyhoo, last week, the acquistiors at Starbucks, in an effort to curb the run-amok strategy of curbside domination, has spared the rich, thin, hot and over-yoga'd population of L.A., or, those dedicated to caffeinated beverages as its own food group.

In fact, Starmucks closed just TWO of its stores citywide, less per capita than anywhere else in the country. That's two out of 300-ish stores in LA alone, out of 2,447-ish in California, and over 7,000-ish nationwide.

Now for you hairsplitters, yes there are 2 more (total 4) Starbucks closings if you count neighborhoods imbedded in LA., such as Santa Monica and Brentwood, with one closing each.

But are the super duper thin and rich in these areas -- inconvenienced? Let's just say that the Starsmucks closing at Montana and Lincoln shall not aggrieve a skinny soul, lest he or she be a total diva whiner, there being another Starclucks a single block away. That's a one half second drive in your Escalade.  

Tall, thin, rich, deserving --  and thus spared locals -- photographically stretched to look even more tall, thin, rich, deserving

Struck mercilessly was the oldest and thus most good looking-challenged state of Florida, with 70 or so closings, or 10% total, out of over 600 stores statewide.

The ax fell equally hard on the poor, fatter, more obscure states Mississippi, Arkansas, and Alabama.

And many, trapped in swampy parts of the country, work nightmare jobs deboning raw chicken in icy cold rooms suffering cuts, tenditis, and raw chicken-born diseases.

For these whomevers, Starcrooks just might be the only place in town to grab a little respite in form of a 140 degree Venti 50-50 three-pump Irish Crème Toffee Nut Frappaccino Upside Down Wet/Dry Double-Blended with extra caramel drizzle and whatever else who the eff knows, into infinity.

Cutting that off, well, just isn't nice.

This must be happening in Vermont where they care a bunch about milk

 But screw wholesome forms of protest. Let's get back to us. 

Q: Why is L.A. so good looking?

Many of us moved here precisely because we believed we were good looking enough to drive around here, and be seen doing so. Then, once here, seeing that there were other people far better looking than us, we found ways to engineer ourselves to at least look like we could be on TV, if ever we'd ever share the deep secret we all want to be. And Starbucks has been cashing in on that!

Sparing the pretty of L.A. from the inconvenience of multiple store closings does not make the Starmucks hopelessly starstruck over the rich, hot, and happening. It's a cool calculated business strategy. One that involves mass and unconscious cooperation.

In fact, more than just celebs are doing Stargluck's bidding for them.

With more than a few websites devoted to posting snaps of Starhuck's celebrity sightings, hottie L.A. is Starcrook's primary pool boy, promoting the store every time someone famous, or simulating such, exits a Starbucks with coffee cups in hand. 

Even more mind boggling is that many a celeb-bucks photo is accompanied with a quote from the barista who served the celeb, saying how nice they were in person, not at all a total crab.

If you care to see more, but please don't, there are websites devoted to celebs doing their unwitting part as a body models for Starsnooks:

http://www.celebritystarbucks.com/page/2/

Curiously, there are those devoted to creating hot and foamy Starmucks gossip: http://starbucksgossip.typepad.com/_/2007/04/its_time_to_ask.html

And so, with store closings high and low, will Starlucks over go belly up, the way of Bear Stearns, Fannie Mae, and eventually the national treasury?

Well to answer this, look at the trash. Yup, we know who we are, where we're going, and what we forever can't do without by what we toss away.

ROBYN EWING for la2day.com

rae@la2day.com