MADAME SUL-TE-WAN is not a matchmaker, or an oily genie, but a hyper-intuitive. She is a double Aquarius and that means she can spot a phony baloney from across a mall parking lot, without legal evidence, or her glasses, all by feel.

Madame Sul-te-Wan in an undated painting by a lover who tended to idealize his subjects

As a public service to LA2DAY readers, Madame Sul-te-Wan pre-screens and chooses a selection from local personals ads to present you with a TOP 5 BEST OF, from a different category each week. This will save you from scrolling endlessly until your pointer finger calluses. This will save you from making poor decisions due to bad dating episodes, stresses of grinding lonesomeness, and the ongoing despair at ever finding love at all.

H E R    W O O - W O O   M E T H O D O L O G Y

Madame Sul-te-Wan uses her deeply connected intuitive powers to feel for charm, wit, humility, inventiveness, cleanliness, self-honesty, self-effacement, and, if not after sex entirely, solid gold potential. She tosses out anyone aesthetically repulsive and this includes cornballs, bad joke makers, illiterates, users of cutesy truncated language like ‘4-U', whiners, desperados, boasters, pouters, pity parties, cheapskates, guys with very specific criteria (i.e. age 21, long brown hair, green eyes, and loves Parcheesi), guys with really broad criteria (‘anyone over 18'), dirt bags, bores, man-boys, guys with too much self-acceptance, secret woman-haters who pretend otherwise, flatterers, liars, frauds, and villains.

Are you ready to find love... or something like it? 

From this week's CRAIG'S LIST LOS ANGELES PERSONALS,

Madame Sul-te-Wan gets a feel for:

T H E    T O P    5   M E N    S E E K I N G    W O M E N  

"6'9" AND WORTH THE CLIMB" 

WHY HIM? He's a circus giant but doesn't mention basketball as an occupation so just has to live with it. And that makes for a deep humility, bearing up under all the 'how's the weather up there" jokes. As well, he spins this freakishness into an asset, with humor, albeit a little corny, since rhyming of any sort is strickly cornball. See just how evolved he is by taking him on the Ferris wheel at Santa Monica Pier, if they let him on, which they probably won't. See how he bears up under all this, and all the sticky little kids running around making unfiltered comments about the size of his New Balance sneaks.

THE DANGER: Make sure you can handle the tall-thing. The novelty might wear off if you don't do the work to see the little man inside the giant. Oh and he could fall not for, but on you. That could hurt. Date: 2008-07-19, 2:08PM PDT. Reply to: pers-761683162@craigslist.org

"Brainless shallow, hunk seeks SWF for Vegas trip - 46"

WHY HIM? What a lovable horny oldish goof! This guy slyly pretends to be a gumball, for comedic effect, and states that he only wants "dumb Las Vegas sex," and lots of it. So there will be no time to discuss "Dickens, Tolstoy, Ayn Rand, Hemingway, Dostoyevsky, Emerson, and Proust," names he would not know how to spell correctly lest he did not keep their dusty covers on his swinging bachelor pad shelves. To further drive home the dumb-point, he states that midget wrestling, and discussions thereof, is his only area of expertise. He's straightforward as a neat and tidy hard-on, which is his appeal, pulling not a single punch. Claiming to be a ripped boy-toy he expects a woman of perfect tautness, and if you are Pamela Anderson, in body only and not her fabulously self-aware mind, then he'd be worth a spin, if not for the gaudy sex than for the guffaw when you show up looking all hot and he really IS a midget wrestler jerking your chain.  

THE DANGER: If you are looking for hot Las Vegas sex as a way into a man's heart, thisguy probably doesn't have one. He's a funbot and that's it. Date: 2008-07-19, 4:47PM PDT. Reply to: pers-761843737@craigslist.org 

 "SARAH SILVERMAN!!! - 31 (Los Angeles)"

WHY HIM? This young man is over 30 and thus has been around the block, maybe once. And that's a start. He makes a plea for Ms. Silverman, the nasty comedic genius, who uses mock-honesty to skewer anyone with humanity in their bones, but he knows full well he will never meet her in one trillion years. He knows this and you know this. And he knows you know this and THIS gives you hope. You think to yourself: I am funny. I am quirky. I do my own thing. I am pretty good looking with excellent skin. I have long brown hair. I AM kind of SARAH SILVERMAN, or, at least, he will allow me to be a wacko just like her. And this means he will accept you totally, even if you want to tell off a gay guy to his  face that he's ‘so fking gay' because you are being like Ms. Silverman, so nasty honest. And this man will respect and love any creepy thing that slithers out of your mouth since he loves the Silverman 'way.' 

THE DANGER: There is the outside chance that this guy does want the actual Sarah Silverman, for real. In this case he is a lunatic. To screen for this, show up in a short platinum wig carrying a briefcase with AMWAY on the side and see if he lights up or collapses crestfallen at the crushed expectation of not having Ms. Silverman herself, or, a Xerox copy. Date: 2008-07-19, 9:33AM PDT. Reply to: pers-761346884@craigslist.org

"I want to fall in love w/you - 36 (Van Nuys)"

WHY HIM? Madame Sul-te-Wan's planets are a bit screwy this week so this was a tricky one to get a feel for. He states his case up front, the ‘Hulk has a soul' angle, which has its appeal to the female nature. He describes himself as looking like a thug who just wants to get laid. But NO he says in all caps, he doesn't! There's more to him than the tattoo of an amphibian creature wrapping his wrist. To his advantage, he states his plea for a love-mate in simple, straightforward, unembellished language that shoulders the honesty of a good soul, or one that's had the shit beat out it. Perhaps a string of girls gone bad relationships has left him with a limited vocabulary, a weariness that is beyond words. But behind the plaintive plea there is not that dreary subtext of despair, of giving up, which the Madame was screening for.

THE DANGER:  This super sensitive Van Nuys guy might live with his mother. Date: 2008-07-19, 9:33AM PDT. Reply to: pers-761346884@craigslist.org 

"Anyone need to get married ASAP? - 35 (Los Angeles)"

WHY HIM? Do you wear sensible shoes? This is what his ad says, a one-liner: "Let me know the reason (you want to get married) and I will get back to you." This man is the definition of strict practicality, with a bit of Jesus Christ-iness tossed in. He obviously needs money and is willing to go as far as marry a total stranger, off the cheesy internet, to get it. If you are someone in need of a green card, then this is your man, a man who wants to help, even if it is initiated for his benefit. He appears not desperate, as much as urgent, a do-er, a man who's got a lot of irons in the fire and always on his cell phone, making deals, a mover, a shaker, a win-win kind of guy. If you're in need of not love but a free pass into America, why not try for a phony future husband who made the first move. 

THE DANGER: You never know how far this kind of guy will go, with the wheeling and dealing. He's obviously doing lots of illegal things, probably selling stolen copper wire from public works to underhanded construction companies. Be ready with bail money, and late night calls to pick him up from dark places where the the L.A. sun don't shine. Date: 2008-07-19, 12:10PM PDT. Reply to: pers-761543984@craigslist.org

Please let Madame Sul-te-Wan know if you have gotten married, or killed, by any of these guys. In either case, she holds herself not to be lauded, or found culpable, since any junky alignments of the planets, or surges in the electrical lines, might cause a blip in her intuitive powers. She is usually 99.99% correct. But there is always, as in life, that pesky .01%. Email address to come next posting so hold that thought...

Channeled to ROBYN EWING  by MADAME SUL-TE-WAN for LA2DAY.COM

NEXT TIME: THE BEST OF WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN... FIND YOUR HONEY! INTUITIVELY PRE-SCREENED!