"Where's that money, you stupid, silly old fool!?"

That's George Bailey berating his blithering idiot Uncle Billy in It's a Wonderful Life before trudging off into Bedford Falls' snowy Christmas Eve and, from there, into movie history.

And, sure, no matter how many times I watch this holiday classic I well up. But "emotional conclusion" doesn't necessarily mean "satisfying conclusion." Really, one humiliating call to Sam Wainwright and the Savings & Loan is bailed out, and poor, angelic Mary doesn't have to clean up all the slush and mud the merry throng will later track through the Bailey living room.

In truth, it's not George who's saved by the town's generosity. It's Billy. And my Libran sense of injustice is so irked by this I've felt compelled to author an alternate ending that addresses the glaring shortcomings of the original. Writers' Strike, Shmiters Strike! The time has come that my story be told. And while this version of It's a Wonderful Life may not be Capra-esque; it's quintessentially Muller-esque.

INT. BILLY'S SAD BACHELOR APT.

As George storms off, Uncle Billy is reduced to hysterical blubbering sobs until he summons the strength to pour himself a tumbler of cheap whiskey.

EXT. BEDFORD FALLS - CHRISTMAS EVE
Billy staggers through the snowy, festive streets.

EXT. DRAWBRIDGE - NIGHT

Wracked with guilt, Billy hurls himself into the freezing cold river below. An angel, Clarence, pulls him to safety.

INT. DRAWBRIDGE TOWER

Distraught, Billy announces he's made such a mess of things, he wishes he'd never been born. Clarence magically makes it so.

Billy: Hey, what'd you do, you old coot? What happened to the voices in my head?

Clarence: You were never born, Billy. You never lived a life of mediocrity and disappointment... You have no sense of worthlessness.

Billy: I just got some bad whiskey. I should get back home and lay down.

EXT. BAILEY FALLS - CHRISTMAS EVE

The town is just like Bedford Falls only more upscale - a 1940s version of Carmel or Vail. The Savings and Loan Building, a majestic, beautifully lit marble expanse occupying an entire block.

Billy: Where am I?

Clarence: Bailey Falls. Without you holding the family back, Peter Bailey's humble savings and loan grew into a small financial empire.

ANGLE ON - MARY BAILEY AND ERNIE BISHOP

Mary is smartly dressed in a fashionable coat. Ernie, in livery, carries Christmas gifts.

Billy: My goodness! My not being born means that Mary marries Ernie the cab driver?

Clarence: She married George alright. Ernie's their chauffeur.

Billy: Mary! Mary, it's me! Uncle Billy.

Mary regards him with affable confusion and hands him a silver dollar.

Mary: I don't know any Uncle Billy, sir. But have a merry Christmas. (Aside to Ernie) Reminds me of one of those London tramps George and I saw on our honeymoon.

Ernie helps Mary into the back of a large fancy car and they drive off.

Billy: What is she talking about? George and Mary never went on a honeymoon. There was that run on the bank.

Clarence: You weren't around, Billy so your brother hired a competent partner who handled the whole matter. George went on a honeymoon, traveled the world and went to business school.

Billy: This is crazy. There's got to be someone in this town who remembers me. I know. My Wednesday night pinochle gang.

Billy runs off. Clarence follows.

EXT. SMALL HOUSE - LATER

Billy looks in through the window as four men laugh, smoke cigars and play pinochle.

Billy: Lefty, Joe, Willy G.! Who's the guy sitting in my chair!

Clarence: Did you think you're irreplaceable? Do you suppose they miss your inane ramblings about the weather and drunken, unsavory musings about Violet Bick?

Billy knocks on the window.

Clarence: Lefty, it's me! Billy!

All turn toward Billy and Clarence in the window. Lefty rises and fetches a pistol from a sideboard. Billy and Clarence run.

EXT. BAILEY FALLS STREET - LATER

Clarence: Where are you going now?

Billy: To find George. He'll know me. He'll straighten everyone out.

Billy turns a corner, looks up with surprise at the abandoned old Granville house.

Billy: But this is where George and Mary live.

Clarence: No, Billy. This drafty old house wasn't big enough for such an affluent family. You were never born to foul things up, so the Bailey Savings & Loan thrived.

Billy: Where's George? Tell me, Clarence! Tell me!

Clarence: He's living in the old Potter place!

EXT. BAILEY HOUSE (OLD POTTER PLACE)

Billy and Clarence stand outside a large inviting mansion beautifully decorated. We see through the windows as the George, Mary and the children joyfully prepare for Christmas.

Billy: Where is everyone?! We've got to get folks over here to help George. If he doesn't come up with that $8000, they'll close down the savings and loan!

Clarence: Relax Billy. There's no money missing. You were never born, remember? You don't work for the savings and loan so you never stupidly left $8000 on the counter for Potter to swipe. And even if you did, Zuzu could cover that amount with her piggy bank savings.

A man in a Santa suit approaches. He carries a sack of gifts. We recognize through the beard, it's Mr. Potter.

Potter: Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas, you two!

Billy: Potter, you dirty good-for-nothing. You stole the $8000!

Potter: Don't know what you're referring to, friend. Just delivering some gifts for the Bailey kids. George was so helpful with my charity work this year, I just wanted to give a little token of thanks.

Billy: But Potter is a cold, bloodless reptile - only interested in money.

Potter: I was. But after the Savings & Loan put me out of business, I reevaluated my priorities. Doing nonprofit work now.

The enormity of the thought overwhelms Billy.

Clarence: It's a remarkable thing, Billy, how one man's nonexistence can touch so many lives.

Billy: I don't care, Clarence. I want to live!

Clarence: Suit yourself.

Billy: I want to live!

Clarence: Whatever...

Billy attacks Potter in a frenzy, knocking him to the ground and pummeling him.

Billy: You stole the $8000?! Isn't wasn't me. It was you!

Clarence: There is no $8000. ...Oh dear!

Bailey kids run to the window and see the sight of Uncle Billy punching Santa Claus Potter on the snowy front lawn as Clarence looks on. In the fray a bunch of jingle bells flies to the ground and RINGS.

Zuzu: Daddy, Teacher says every time a bell ring, an angel gets its wings.

George: That's right, Zuzu. That's right.

FADE OUT

by Toby Muller