They say that Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Well, I beg to differ. Does Disneyland have beer on tap for $3? I sure hope not. Otherwise there would be a lot of drunk kids throwing up on Space Mountain.

I never quite understood why they called it “Happy Hour,” but now that I think about it, I’d guess it's because the happiest people in the world are the ones that get drunk in the afternoon. Nothing quite puts an end to a hard day of work like knocking back cheap drinks in broad daylight. Who am I kidding? This is LA. Nobody works. Everyone’s just waiting around until their project gets financed. But that’s okay. Associate Producers get thirsty just like the rest of us. Here are some words of wisdom from the Recluse's Guide to Happy Hour:

1. YOU GET STARTED EARLY.

We all know the expression "the night is young," but with happy hour that idea is bullshit. Not only is the night not young, it hasn’t even been born yet. Happy hour is the fetal stage of the night: so why not get the party started at the moment of conception?

2. IT'S BEST TO GET AS DRUNK AS POSSIBLE AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.

Everyone who’s anyone knows how cool it is to get drunk at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. It’ll take all the blues away. Also, it allows you to have more time later in the evening for what I like to call "vomiting hour."

3. TRY OUT A LOT OF DIFFERENT DRINKS, PREFERABLY AT THE SAME TIME.

Take random booze like Peach Liqueur, some obscure Microbrew from Finland and that 300 Proof Gin from Belarus and don’t worry about “getting wasted,” because only pussies worry about that type of stuff.

4. HAPPY HOUR IS A TIME TO SHOW OFF YOUR MANLINESS.

Challenge a tattooed fellow patron to a game of darts or get into a barfight. Make a pass at the bartender or if you’re too shy just stare at her ass.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER

5. THE POWER OF PISS.

If you’re really enjoying the fruits of happy hour you should have to pee at least three times during your visit. So if you’re not spraying all over the toilet seat, let’s just say you have a few more notches to go until you’ve achieved Nirvana! So now that you know what to do, go to it! And have a happy happy time!

Here are some happy hours I recommend:

The Shortstop (1455 W Sunset Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90026) 5:30-6:30 Every Day.

Little Bar (757 S La Brea Ave Los Angeles, CA 90036) 4:00-11:00 Every Day

Cat and Fiddle (6539 W Sunset Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90028) 4:00-6:00 Every Day

Akbar (4356 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA) 6:00-8:00 Mon-Fri

Story by Ben Brandfon.