Sure, it’s covered in the Sports section of the paper and on ESPN.  And I’m sure that’s how the confusion arose, much the way the tomato (a fruit) has come to be considered a vegetable by association with its salad colleagues.

But this is more than semantics.  Including golf in real sports coverage means fans have to sit through a “clutch birdie tap-in” while we wait for highlights that are actually exciting.  Worse, golf has stuck its spiked oxford shoe in the sports door, allowing other nonathletic competitions such as poker, darts and hot dog eating to enter the athletics bailywick.

Could I play pro golf?  No.  But my inability to crochet doesn’t qualify it as a spectator sport either.  Golf is not a sport; it’s bowling for the affluent.  And here are 5 ways you can tell.

1. HIT BALL. FIND BALL. REPEAT.
Like much in our world, golf’s elevation in status reflects its popularity with white, chubby rich guys.  Puttering around a golf course all afternoon, occasionally stopping to hit a ball and then getting back in your cart to find it is an activity your boss or father-in-law can do.  Athletically, it’s on a par with running errands, but never mind.  He plays it; he watches it; he can afford stuff advertised on TV.  The media pretends golf is a “sport” so the golfer can pretend he’s an athlete.

2. WHEN YOU PLAY SPORTS, YOU CHANGE CLOTHES.
Even NASCAR drivers can’t show up for work in Dockers and a polo shirt.  I suppose there’s a dress code on the golf course, but shouldn’t the physical demands of this activitity - any activity - preclude someone from wearing knickers and a jaunty cap while playing?  Purists will argue that golfers wear spikes while they play.  Why... So they can cut back inside when the safety comes up to make the tackle?

3. ATHLETES CARRY THEIR OWN EQUIPMENT.
Sure, real sports teams have equipment managers, but they’re not on the field with the players to carry their gear.  I play hockey, and it would be really sweet to have a caddy on the ice to hand me my stick when I need it; but, then again, I pee standing up.

4. AT A SPORTING EVENT, FANS MAKE NOISE.
Poor little Tiger Woods!  Someone was taking a picture of him while he was swinging.  It’s only natural that, in the heat of competition, golfers demand quiet, the way other great athletes like librarians, museum-goers and mourners do.

5. SPORTS ARE PLAYED BY ATHLETES.
Golfers cover a good 4 miles over the course of 4 hours.  And while that’s a blistering pace, the ball they’re hitting isn’t moving quite that fast or at all - and it’s not being thrown at them or curving.  No one is guarding the hole.  And no one is trying to check, block or tackle them while they swing.   They do not lift anything very heavy or throw anything beside a few blades of grass.  They do not wrestle or row or skate or swing a bat.  They don’t dribble or play defense.  They don’t jump or spike or dive or kick.  They don’t breathe hard; they don’t need water; they don’t break a sweat.

And ultimately, isn’t this the measure of a sport: whether a towel would be useful... or a time-out... or maybe even a juicebox?

By Toby Muller

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