So I was hanging out with some cool chick and she was some weird-ass nationality that I can't remember. Anyway she was cool because she was Asian mixed with some other Asian thing and I was thinking to myself, man I like Asian girls. Anyways we got to talking and she asked me where I was from. I said I was from LA, the coolest place on earth and she said, "So you're just a white guy?"

I thought about it for a second. She was right. I'm just a white guy and that sucks. For a while I had deluded myself into thinking that I was not just a white guy. Sometimes I even thought I was black (mostly when I wasn't around black people) but I wasn't. I was just white which is not cool at all. Anyway, this girl who was some freaky Asian nationality, she was totally not into me because I was just a white guy, and I thought to myself, man I have to become something other than a white guy otherwise Asian chicks are never going to dig me.

I began to hate myself. Why was I born a white guy? Of all the horrible things I could've been born as why was I born this way? Oh God! I was mad as hell. I went into a tailspin, spending most of my nights doing nothing but cursing my white ass. Whenever I went out I was taunted by all the cool guys who were crazy nationalities. These sexy people were taunting me with their beautiful dark skin. But finally one day I said, enough! You can spend your whole life cursing your white ass, or you can go and get your white ass tanned, so you're ass will be black. But having a black ass wasn't enough because the rest of me would still be white. Anyway this whole sad episode in my life came to a head when one day I took off my shirt and I nearly blinded someone. Certain people were convinced that I was the whitest man on earth. Eventually after a bunch of therapy with a white guy who said he was white and Asian chicks were into him, I changed my outlook on being a white guy. Being white isn't all that bad. It's not as cool as being Asian, but white people do run most of the world. So I guess I could take some consolation in that.

Story by Ben Brandfon.