Four years have passed, and I’m still upset that Janet Jackson “accidently” showed her right nipple to America. Like most men, I love a good nipple, but her perfectly round shaped nipple, decorated with jewelry to be more aesthetically pleasing, ruined Super Bowl halftime shows forever!

On Sunday, I was forced to watch Tom Petty. Not suggesting he isn't a fine musician in his own right, but I think the show was catered toward those born prior to the inauguration of Lyndon B. Johnson. Watching my mother dance with the same pop and lock exuberance as Chris Brown to “I Won’t Back Down” made me want to be the guy that picks up extra beer during halftime. Hell, I would have even grabbed a pie to make sure I’d miss the rest of Petty’s geriatric performance.

Sunday’s mind-numbing show made me think of some artists that can expect to be overlooked for the job. We know Daughtry, Linkin Park, Usher, and Rihanna can perform at a high level without any glitches that would send network television scrambling to find out what went wrong, but I implore executives to take a chance on some of the premiere talent that may need some fine tuning to make certain everything goes according to plan. Let’s delve, shall we?

As talented as any new artist, Amy Winehouse has more than a few vices that may prompt the FCC to print the monetary penalty, stamp the envelop, and mail it to FOX the Saturday before the big game. In fact, I’m sure www.pointspread.com would have a line on how far into the performance Winehouse would get before she erupts. To combat her frequent mishaps on stage, she needs to be set up with a karaoke monitor to correct the issue she has regarding her inexplicable knack for forgetting the words to her own songs. She needs a chair instead of a stool for the support to ensure she will not lose balance if she decides to “experiment” with some nose candy before her performance. Finally, it’s essential for her to have a seven second delay. This will accomplish the feat of guaranteeing she can’t curse at the children from the United Way sitting in the front row. And who cares if the words don’t match her lips? Everyone will think it’s their never reliable cable company. Besides, it’s better than her substituting forgotten words with F-bombs.

If we want Kanye West on stage, there is an easy solution; get him a teleprompter. This includes his own songs scrolling across the screen in front of him, and if he decides to get creative and deviate from the words on the prompter, he will receive shock treatment from the machine he has been hooked up. I think it’s very important that West rehearses with the machine connected to eliminate him from the possibility of developing bad habits. This will reduce the likelihood of further presidential condemnation, and we can all maintain the integrity and blindness that’s necessary to live in this country without the help of the Chicago native. Also, West should be warned that words starting with “sh” and “f” may trigger a response from the machine, so he may want to change the lyrics to some of his songs. He can’t be given an inch after the Katrina incident.

Nickelback is deserving of such an honor, but I know we’re all concerned about Chad Kroeger’s temper. Is it possible that he might walk on stage with bloody knuckles after polishing off a concession stand worker for serving him watered down frozen lemonade? Will he punch one of the kids from the gospel choir in the front row, because he can’t understand why the boy is wearing a dress? Or will he flick a lit cigarette on the red, white and blue paper mache float carrying a group of foster children invited to the Super Bowl as special quests? To keep Kroeger under control, strategically seat Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture adjacent on the front stage, and if Kroeger goes Kroeger on somebody, they can beat the hell out of him like a cat trapped in a pit-bull ring. This can easily be passed off as a staged incident, and this keeps the FCC off everyone’s back. It would just be like watching Stallone and Hogan all over again!

My final recommendation is to bring Janet back. This is the country for second chances, and if Michael Vick gets to own a dog again, why can’t the queen of Pop be allowed to entertain us during the longest halftime in the world? How will we know if she’s rehabilitated if she isn’t given the opportunity to keep her bosom concealed from the millions of male viewers praying for a relapse? What other trick could she have up her sleeve? Two bare breasts? We’re not that lucky. Maybe a cheek? Eh, not that big of a deal. The point is Janet’s boob is old news, and she likely will never bare it again. If she does, we can just suspend her for another five years.

Since the infamous wardrobe malfunction, we have been forced to watch performances by artists that cashed in on their fame before I was old enough to decipher between my right and left shoes. The networks need to give the public what they want. With my suggestions, not only will we get some of the best artists in the business, but we’ll also get the edge factor. People want to see train wrecks, and whether or not my recommended artists implode on national television, the possibility alone will keep us all tuned in.

By Trent Hensley