I was raised a strict Roman Catholic on a little island in the middle of the sea, brought up in the cloisters of ancient churches, an altar boy, a choirboy, with dire yearning in my heart to don the cloth and take up a life of proselytising the Good Book. And yet, today, all these years later, I've taken to a life of hedonism: a syphilitic womaniser, a miserly alcoholic, a depraved opium fiend. And I'll tell you, dear reader, what caused this drastic spiral downfall-from-grace: it came the moment I perchance laid eyes upon an issue of French Vogue that had been carelessly left behind in the pews by some rogue parishioner of the St. Augustine Church. And it was then that the Lord did leave my heart, for it was then that I realised that Jesus Christ had committed the true Original Sin: that Jesus Christ had no sense of fashion!

There are three key aspects of this unforgivable, dire immorality; they are as follows:

1. The Sin of the Loincloth

From the slaves of Egypt to Tarzan of the jungle, there is no piece of fashion more emasculating than the loincloth, the diaper-of-dress. As ecclesiastical garb, it's pure folly. Permit me to suggest instead the canonical inspired suit from Dior Homme's Autumn/Winter 2007-08 collection by the master of men's fashion, Hedi Slimane, in his final outing as creative director of the label. The tight fitting sharp lines are typical of Slimane's lust for the trendy indie rock scene, while the clerical collar makes it ideal for our Lord and Saviour.

2. The Sin of the Bare Foot

Not even the revivalist hippies of Topanga Canyon go around barefoot, why should Christ? And when Christ is actually seen out-and-about in shoes, he prefers a Birkenstock-style sandal, which is, quite frankly, the single ugliest shoe ever invented. Instead I propose the sleek elegance and timeless beauty of the Ferragamo Andrea II Lace-Up, a glorious shoe that can dress up a pair of jeans or catapult a brilliant suit to even higher plateaus. One glance at the artistry of these shoes, and the Romans wouldn't dare puncture the copper-leather with crucifixion nails.

3. The Sin of Improper Head-wear

I agree with the notion of suffering for fashion, but a crown of thorns is simply absurd! However, as hats go, I must admit that the crown is stylish design, but may I suggest something a tad more comfortable? I give you Smashed from the greatest milliner of our time, Stephen Jones, from his Spring/Summer 2007 Artifice collection. Mr. Jones is an ardent milliner, and thusly only makes hats for women, but the androgyny of this piece makes it suitable for Jesus. Moreover, Smashed showcases the same jagged edges as the crown of thorns without actually drawing blood.

Now, with all of this in mind, I ask you, dear reader, to please write to Pope Benedict XVI at benedictxvi@vatican.va and plead with him to consider altering the look of Christ to the following:

With a bit of luck, by his birthday next year Jesus will make the Best Dressed List. I'm terribly excited...

Dior Homme: http://www.diorhomme.com/; 315 N. Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Salvatore Ferragamo: http://www.ferragamo.com/; available at various retailers and at the signature store at 357 N. Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Stephen Jones: http://www.stephenjonesmillinery.com/; available at Christian Dior Boutique, 309 N. Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, CA 90210 and at Saks Fifth Avenue, 9600 Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly Hills, CA 90212

By Jeremy Tarr

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