Go ahead…say it. Los Angeles is trying to be a fake New York and the high rise facades on the Universal Lot just don’t cut it. You might be saying that if you were a New Yorker…but an Angelino? Well…New York is just a pretentious city trying to claim stake in the arts…we can give ‘em the whole pizza thing but art...c’mon!

Well…after recently returning from a 10 day East Coast stint…I say we all need to cool our jets. Seriously people, this whole art gallery thing is a giant comedy of errors…and it all boils down to your outlook.

People have told me time and time again that if I maintain a positive attitude…I will draw positive things into my universe. I can certainly thank that fucking book “The Secret” for that…which, as an aside, was made into a movie, so all the non-readers of the world can keep on giving me advice. I haven’t read or watched either. As for my outlook, don’t get me wrong…I am ALL POSITIVE. I told a friend not too long ago that I am a cynical romantic. He thought it was brilliant…I just think it’s honest. I view the whole gallery scenario with skepticism while, admittedly, I am eagerly awaiting the day that some gallery owner tells me they want to exploit me. Seriously.

As far as the East/West divide…the artist could give a shit, frankly. If the work is selling in a reputable gallery…it could be on Planet 9 for all we care. We would just appreciate a speedy turnaround of our post-tax 32% take home. It’s the gallery owners that spin the market into this ridiculous rivalry. Their just substituting bloodshed for trendy openings and maybe a pair of delicately paint splattered artist in attendance. Hurrah! You ever look in those weird fashion/art/culture mags where three pages are dedicated to socialites and celebrities in attendance? If your gallery makes that thing…you know so-and-so and some-and-such at the blabbity-blah gallery. I was looking at a few if those mags today. You’ll notice they never say the damn artist name in the blurb.

Attending a gallery opening is on the to-do list of every Savvy Social Sally … whether in Chelsea or Beverly Hills. And for the gallery it’s press beyond press. And the 20-something readership will surely be at the next opening…why? Because they might see a celebrity. It’s fantastic!! And I don’t have to pay Arclight process to see this kind of comedy. And the difference from Atlantic to Pacific is worth being bi-coastal. The Westerners chat about each other’s fashion faux pas and whisper sweet nothings about the artist’s relationship status. The Easterners mumble hushed insults under their breath about how the artist is SO pretentious and then the logistics if cabbing it or taking the train to their post-opening cocktails. Hilarious! And the gallery owners mingle with their mental pencils poised for note-taking.

So my cynical self goes to openings on both sides of the red and tells my romantic self that everyone is a ridiculous mental masturbator and then my romantic self suffocates the cynic, tears out my heart and begs to get fucked. So now I guess I need to get a killer outfit to shop my work around LA and a killer sleek aggression with a leather portfolio case to shop the work around in NY.

Or I guess I can get an agent.

Or .. I could keep on keepin’ on and leave the gallery comedy in the dust while I have the last laugh.

Ha ha ha! HA HA ha ha ha! HA. ha ha. huh. Huh. HUH???

By Cate Nelson