Evidently, British gay guys love coming to America, to pre-screened vacation spots. Recently, a British ad agency was hired by Amro Worldwide, a gay-centric travel agency, to target a few select gay-friendly American cities.

Let us begin with a filmlette, re-named: 'The Schlongman Cometh"  

Ah. Speedos and the background music they inspire. Now, down to business... 

Sufficiently 'So Gay' 

The gay-destination cities chosen by Amro had to meet specific criteria of: "sufficient gay-friendly aspects," according to the Guardian UK.

Cities and regions that made the cut were Boston, DC, Atlanta, New Orleans, Vegas and South Carolina. Tourism bureaus representing each of these jumped at the chance to be included in the campaign in order to get their greasy mitts on big gay bucks. Each was satisfied with the campaign but one.

    

‘So gay' ad campaign. We'll go over this totally lame design down-post. And we'll address what L.A. has to learn from not being gay enough

South Carolina Expunges Gay Stain 

Allegedly Un-gay Senator David Thomas of South Carolina went demento over the ad, though pre-approved, stating: "South Carolinians is irate to learn their hard earned tax dollars are being spent to advertise our state as 'so gay.' "

Gay Money No Good South of the Border

In fact, a South Carolina Parks Recreation and Tourism employee quit in shame, the campaign was recalled, and Amro will not be paid the $4,942 that South Carolina was to shell out to participate in the campaign.

Literary humor along I-95 nearing 'gay-KK' South Carolina

Profound Gay Question

But forget the antics of gay-snubbing South Carolina. Why the heck would a gay-centric travel agency wish to revive a term that we, as young and dopey Americans, relied heavily on in the fifth grade to describe anyone, or any situation, lame, fluffball, corny, geeky, threatening, confusing, or unpopular?

Gay Ownership

Well! There's a reason! It appears that Amro wished to ‘reclaim'  the term ‘so gay' -- to snatch it back from us grade schoolers and those remaining American fraternity brothers at football-dominant universities who actually still rely on this term due to retrograde vocabulary skills.

University frat men of America: so gay in another way

And of reclamation, just who the heck is going to seize back that other childhood ditty of our wonderless years: ‘What a douche bag'? Anyone? Anyone? Well, it's got to be you, Summer's Eve, major manufacturer of this sort of appratus.

douche work for you

 

Seize Your Inner Douchiness, Oh Major Retailer

Out with the pastels, the scripty italic type, the woman staring into the mysteries of her own personal womanhood, vignetted. In with a bold san serif typeface, Ariel Black of course, emblazoned across the box with ‘What a Douche!' over a filthy motorcycler kicking up dust and kittens in his wake. Yes, admen of Summer's Eve! Take back the term douche bag, from frat brats, by the plastic nozzle. 

 

•  E N D  O F  A P P E A L  T O  D O U C H E - M A K E R  • 

 

 

Back to the business of 'so gay'...  

'So Gay' Design Analysis

Now let's look at the ‘so gay' poster in question from a design perspective. We find immediately that no full-facultied gay person could have possibly designed this ad, since gay people are really good at graphic design. 

First, there's no exclamation point after ‘gay' rendering it tonally barren and decidedly un-cheeky. This means that missing is the necessary wink ‘n nod to the term ‘so gay'. Content is thus utterly devoid of the necessary self-deprecating humor that would say, We, South Carolinians, are so thoroughly secure in our sexuality that we are not threatened in the least by invading gaydom.  ‘Snap snap,' as my hairdresser still says, a bit embarrassingly, but no surprise since he's got a signed poster from 'Cats' above his toilet. 

 Frutiger 'So Flaccid'

Second, the ad is unforgivably dull. That typeface? Frutiger Bold Condensed, a ho- hummer, blandly friendly, airily innocuous, the typeface of choice for Girl Scout cookie drives, Target brand tampons, and fliers for politicians running for Comptroller, whatever that is, hardly a saucy inspiration for the gay, or any, traveler who just wants to get away from his schlub job and fk around on vacation.

L.A. Not 'So Gay' Enough?

But I regress. Our central question here is this: Why is Los Angeles not a first choice for gay British vacationers? How come hostilely cold Boston, sweaty Atlanta, and even creepy Confederate South Carolina kicked our seemingly gayless asses?

L.A. Deficient in Good Moldings

Easy answer: Antebellum architecture. And that means bed & breakfasts. And that means charm. And coziness. Quality flooring hand hewn from really old trees. And gay guys love b&bs housed in old Victorians that reek of old world quality, good moldings, golden rule proportions, pocket doors, and bay windows. I do, too, but being straight and thus broke, can't afford to indulge in quality of any kind.

No, L.A., your converted old residential areas are not old enough, leafy enough, charming or cozy enough to attract the so gay traveler. 

This means, sniff-sniff, many a so gay traveler will plow right on through L.A. for Palm Springs to get married, Palm Springs being gay-forward enough to offer weekend wedding deals. Or they'll hopscotch L.A. for Vegas, not because of the old architecture because there is none of that, but because Cher's there.

Thankfully, Ms. Lohan has Recently Become 'So Gay' in That Particularly Showy L.A. Way 

So L.A.: What do you have that's, in your L.A. way, 'so gay'? Answer: Prancy party tart Ms. Lindsay Lohan! While she lasts.

 

Ms. Lohan Straps on So Gay Training Wheels to Save Us

Indeed, it is kind of cringe-y to watch Ms. Lohan have the time of her life, there being something a little dirty about her. And no, she's not a metaphor for a brownstone, she's more a sliver of dissolving soap, but still, she and her gay prop are working party-hard to save L.A. from being not 'so gay' enough. And perhaps this will attract another class of 'so gay' gawker-traveler who gives less a crap about enduring quality, coziness, bay windows and more about what won't last just to be around the part-ay, while it does.

ROBYN EWING for la2day.com

rae@la2day.com