Q: Was the Erotica LA show totally lawless, like, people doing it everywhere? Do you have pictures of that?

A: I was required to sign a ‘rules and regulations' agreement upon entering. Zero tolerance for "flashing, exposing oneself or taking pictures of exposure, exposure of female breasts (areola and nipples), pubic hair, cleft of buttocks, anus or genitals." Pasties were mandatory though some hippies in tank tops ignored that.

A: The agreement further stipulated no "live sexual conduct, fondling of breasts, buttocks, anus, genitals, oral copulation, sexual intercourse, or, vaginal or anal penetration with objects of other persons." 

Q: Crapola! Sounds boresdale. What the heck was allowed? Got any pictures of that?

A: It was permitted to be wrapped in green cellophane, hung, flogged, and tickled on the foot soles by a guy talking on a cell phone.

Q: Holy sister Mary mother of creation! She is, like, so hot. What did you learn about sex, from, like, a practical and prudish viewpoint? And after you answer that, do you have any more pictures of girls, like her, but doing things?

A: If you are a man and have no available organic matter in the form of a human lady to boff mercilessly, then, for $5,600 plus $600 shipping in the continental U.S., there are practical substitutes. Here, a full-sized solid-rubber "party girl"

MyPartyDoll.com 

Q: Holy hi-def!  She's looks good. You actually found some good industrial design here. Did her titties feel, like, gooshy and real?

A: An associate who squoze the breast matter found them ‘breasty enough'. But try gazing into the soulless glass eyeballs of this party-lady in mid-hump, and don't tell me you wouldn't feel kind of silly and bad and pathetic.

Q: Bah! It worked for Lars. But zing zang, I just can't get over how much these party ladies cost. What if you are, like, really horny -- but on a tight budget?

A: Truncated female body parts would be your option. Vagina-only frontal model, or butt.

Q. Holy problem solver! This is a fantastic budgetary alternative to the full-sized rubber lady. And more portable. It can fit in a backpack.

A: But be aesthetically warned of the simulated straggles of hair in an around orafices.

Q: Ewe. Hair. Ok. Any animal stuff going on? Like people doing it with pets, or barnyard nastiness? Got any pictures of that?

A: Alas. Even that fuzzy icon of childhood innocence, the teddy bear, proved unsafe from genital hijinx.

Q: Hodey dingly danglies! That stubby little willy is supah cute! But, um, I guess we should talk about art. Did you find any? And was it sexy-lude? Got any, like, pictures of that?

A: Amid the standard fare of stand-alone scrotum sculptures and girls writhing in o-throes, I did find this:

AdultDecor.com

Q: That is, like, so freakin detailed! Look at that fingernail! But art is totally worthless, money-wise, but for the value we, you know, assign to it.

A: Ah, this is why, as a Philadelphian with Quaker roots, I was relieved to find a seller of high-thread count sheets. Very practical. Not only sluts need sheets. Nuns do too.

Q: Sometimes people say they see god, when they, like, do it. Did you find god at Erotica LA? Did you get any pictures of people doing it and like, finding god?

A: I found god's godforsaken salespeople willing to do whatever it takes to get the holy bible into the creamy centers of decadence. I was handed a ‘Jesus Loves Porn Stars' novelette, or so I thought; it was actually a bible cloaked in wolf's clothing. See how far Jesus people will go to lure you into the fold at the "#1 Christian porn site": http://xxxchurch.com/

Q: That's like SO hell in a handbasket. But forget god. What about home décor. Like what if I want to turn my garage into a den of sexual deviation? Find any design hints?

A: You can place an order for a custom-built fantasy room at ‘Exotic...or...Erotic.' The owner and designer Ms. Clark could not show me any before-and-after shots of rehabs, citing privacy issues, but she did share themes completed for her latest customers: Alien Abduction, Sultan's Den, and Bat Cave.

Q: Holy alien anal probe! That's like, so freakin imaginative. Hey. Before I forget. My uncle loves golf and sex, like, equally. See anything for an old hornball like him? 

A: Ah. May he find joy lining up his putts with these:

Balls, Topless at 4-Erotica Stores. abyrne@4-eroticastores.com 

Q: Va va va 9th hole! All that greenery reminds me that summer's here. What if I want to go on vacation with my significant other AND screw everything that moves? 

A: Mike, a ‘lifestyle specialist' from Dream Pleasure Tours, suntanned down to every last follicle, enlightened me on this lifestyle alternative. He hawks fantasy vacations for singles and couples willing to couple like sluts. Early in his slutty vacation career, he opted for the "soft swap" solution, a self-imposed sexual restraint meaning no kissing, no schtooping with partners outside the primary relationship, "but everything else was ok." This is how he started out, practicing it religiously for 4 years, then, progressing on to ‘full swing', or, no orifice left unattended. www.DreamPleasureTours.com

Q: Can you just shut up now and show me some pictures of girls, like, really being slutty? 

A: Sigh. Here you go:

Q: HOLY POPE ON A STICK! It's about time. I thought this sort of thing was forbidden at Erotica LA. Do signed agreements mean nothing? What's going on here?

A: They, uh, tripped.

EROTICA LA is a 3-DAY expo held every year at the LA CONVENTION CENTER featuring industry products, stage shows, celebrity signings, seminars. http://www.erotica-la.com/ 

ROBYN EWING for LA2DAY.COM

rae@la2day.com

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