While love is free, Valentine's Day isn't. Roses, chocolates, dinner, jewelry, cards! What a buck-suck! It is the one day of the year you are required to make a showy display of the extent of your love, mathematically proportional to the dough you shell out doing so.

We solved this problem at holiday time, reminding that acts of overspending, or manipulative-generosity, are nothing more than a bloated sort of showing off, a grab at love, and/or redemption for acting the family cad all year long.

This brought us to the 99¢ Store with suggestions of what to buy for the entire extended family, from the most loved to the most despised, for about 10 total bucks. And here we are back in the land of the totally cheap to help remind you that a chastity belt on the wallet doesn't necessarily mean you won't get laid on Valentine's Day.

Yup, the American Dream is in the shitter. America no longer owns itself; Dubai does. And that means looming ahead are days of gazing teary-eyed upon relics such as a framed dollar bill and George Washington's lousy wooden dental work, hanging above your cold fireplace. China, our global maker of crappy and lethal goods, will have reemerged as a super power, many thousands of years after it took that title with the invention of firecrackers. Yes, it is not the meek that shall inherit the earth - but the cheap.

This, at any rate, is what you'll tell her, as a man on the cutting edge of cheap. You care about your collective future, planning for when social security is nothing but a chicken bone sucked dry, taking care of business now so when old and grey, you will be eating from cans of tuna for humans, and not for cats.

Before we show the goods, such as they are, perhaps you are in a different frame of mind this Valentine's Day: you wish not to endear but BREAK UP with your lover. For you, skip the following on down to the TRUE CAD section.

And now, what to buy your lover on the totally cheap.

Here, a CACTUS from the succulent family. Suggestive of girth, pain, and a powerful lover's robust verticality.

FURRY PLASTIC LOVE CUFFS, with plastic key that I wouldn't really trust not to break off, so have a pair of clippers handy.

A FAKE ROSE IN ITS OWN COFFIN BOX that reads ‘ROSE' just in case there was any misunderstanding about its intended use.

SPANISH LANGUAGE FLAVORIED CHALK-TASTING HEARTS. If you don't speak Spanish, show him or her that you are at least ethnically open to all cultures, and thus a superior, globally aware soul.

LOVE DICE for games people play.

ICKY CARDS. Give half a dozen. Just giving one shows that you have that sort of goopy taste.

PLASTIC LOVE GUN that shoots little plastic cupids. Get it before it's recalled and aim away from orifices. Probably a choking hazard.

CHOCOLATE ROSE BUD on a fake plastic stem in a long box covered with cellophane. Tall lady in background not included.

An actually not-heinous CERAMIC BOX THING with lippy little feet, faux gold trim and a hinged lid.

A WOODEN TREASURE CHEST with red flocked interior and embedded jeweled lid and really crappy hinges that will break on the ride home in your car.

A PADDED HEART SHAPED BOX with scripty ‘Kiss' lettering that is just plain dumb.

At this point you ask: What do I put in the above boxes, and still remain within budget? Answer: NOTHING. Just because it's a box of emptiness doesn't mean you need to fill it. Resist the urge! Be cute and allude to the fact that he or she will be ‘filled' in other and more glorious ways once the gin kicks in.

TRASH CAN WITH HEART SHAPED LID FOR TAMPONS OR SIMILARLY-SIZED DISCARDS, desktop sized, in mauve and the color of cement.

Here, a SILLY ‘I LOVE YOU' SNOW GLOBE, aesthetically atrocious.

AS PROMISED, THE TRUE CAD SECTION

And here, gift suggestions for those who wish to dump their sugarplums on Valentine's Day, but being cowards, can't make their lips form the words. How, then, to do it?

Recall your screenwriting class and how you were bonked on the head for writing too much exposition. Show don't tell! And it is with the giving of inappropriate gifts that will show your lover that you are insensitive, if not mentally off-kilter, and thus not a good genetic choice for breeding.

A word of caution: The intended result of giving the following asinine gifts might backfire. So look carefully into your nearly ex-lover's eyes to determine if he or she is coming to believe that given your obvious imbalance you are in need of even MORE love, attention and care that only he or she can provide. If this is the case, prepare to excuse yourself, climb out the bathroom window, and skedaddle to Mexico for a few weeks.

And now, gifts from a cad.

If your lover is allergic to cats, a CERAMIC BUG-EYED CAT WITH BROKEN EAR.

If your lover expected something romantic, what could be less so than farm equipment? Here, a JOHN DEERE CALENDAR.

And even less romantic than that: something from the assassination aisle. Here, FLEA AND TICK KILLER.

And if your lover is a furry-loving vegetarian.

For the lover emerald-eyed with jealousy, a FRAMED PICTURE OF AN ANONYMOUS BRIDE LIVING IN HELSINKI WHO YOU WILL CLAIM TO BE YOUR OWN.

A SHINY FAKE FISH for no other reason but that it is a shiny fake fish.

And what is less romantic than automotive, household, and farm products? Office supplies. Here, a pound of RUBBER.

And finally, for those who have no lover to endear, nor one to aesthetically kill on Valentine's Day: a five-pack of LUSCIOUS CHOCOLATE LIPS, to gobble in the glow of 30 Rock, Ugly Betty, Survivor, one by one, all for you.

ROBYN EWING is LA2DAY'S Reporter of Aesthetics-at-Large

rae@la2day.com