Give the Gift of Cheap Safe Sex for the Holidays!

Cheap sex? Holiday shopping? What brews raw, ribald and seemingly misplaced in the Art & Design section? Where are the aesthetics? Well, novelist and pacifist Christian anarchist Mr. Leo Tolstoy somehow found the time while scything through War and Peace to muse on this. In his essays "What is Art?" the crusty old Socialist offered that a ‘good' painting should include a few gleaners - you know, work by ‘Real People' who toil the land - backs bent with ‘honest work,' or, work so grindingly hard that it shortens spines and lifespans. On the other hand, we have dishonest work, which, according to my mother the crone, is a career as a writer. Forever does she remind me that writing is just an irresponsible bunch of farting around until something ‘real' comes along. No, I will never have a pension, but my fingernails will remain clean and my back straight as knives with all the free time I have to do yoga. So there!

Now back to cheap and safe sex and how to make it through the holidays without bankrupting your already bankrupt selves. But first, one more point. Even after the advent of automatic contraptions that glean, there remains a Trotskian class of people, or, ‘The People' a.k.a. those who must bend down to do their work. These traditionally include prostitutes, carpet installers, and owners of small children. Currently, this includes Writers' Strike writers, who - yes you are correct - do their picketing mostly standing up. But each day the strike shuffles on, this vulnerable lot slip slides closer to ‘The People' a.k.a. those deplorably broke, or nearly so, a.k.a. those to whom a mere 99¢ is a very big deal.

This brings us to the 99¢ Only Store, holiday shopping home of ‘The People' a.k.a. the Fiscally Wiley. Here, for a few bucks, you can shop for your entire extended family. And now, with gas per gallon costing a shitload, it's time to keep your head, be strong, and practice fiscal stealth. Here is your mantra: Cheap, cheap, cheap!

Let's get specific with FANTASY CONDOMS, 12 to a box for a mere 99¢! I'll do the crazy math: 8.25¢ for a single go at safe sex. Scratch from your list that promiscuous slut of a niece - who when not getting into boys' cars locks herself in the bathroom to apply a pound of raccoon eye makeup. And this is a particularly urgent gift: the film Juno is soon out and teenage pregnancy is looking like some goofy fun - with this business of reviving the word ‘shenanigans' for the 21^st century. And, for the inevitable slip up, why not a PREGNANCY KIT-- 98.9% accuracy for 99¢! Be a hero. Wrap these together.

Then there's your uncle, old as creation. The one who likes to hammer crap together in his garage-converted workshop. For him why not a HAND SAW - for 99¢! It hasn't been product-tested; I'm thinking it's so cheap it can't saw wood - but it will certainly do a number on the Christmas ham. And this will give him something constructive to do on Christmas day besides stare bleary-eyed at the Dura-log counting the minutes until you all shut up and drive him home.

What about your childless aunt whose house is a horror of American craft store crap? She has moved beyond gnomes in the lawn to those annoying flags hanging from the porch that display her solidarity with holidays that Hallmark has managed to conjure up and terrorize us into celebrating with meaningless cards and trinkets. Lately, she stencils sayings onto her walls, in the same style of scrawl as was written the Declaration of Independence. These sayings inevitably include that lexicon of three words: ‘love' ‘laughter' and ‘life.' What do we do with her? Dazzle her of course - with CERAMIC BLUE JEAN PANTS and a BALE OF MINIATURE HAY - each for 99¢! Be careful though, these gifts will inspire her to create. You will be invited over for Bundt cake and Sanka to gaze upon the centerpiece she will have crafted out of these things, along with old pantyhose stuffed with birdseed. It will be a long afternoon in an airless house that smells like the inside of George Washington's coffin.

Now for your Alcoholics Anonymous born-again right-wing Christian Fundamentalist brother who never doesn't remind you of this: "You're either with God or with Satan." This of course implies that you are deep into the devil's pocket and it's stapled shut. What you want to give him is a slap in the face ringing with atheism, but instead, you will ignite his religious frivolity with some Jesus-related fun - BIBLE CRAZY 8's - for 99¢! And for his home-schooled, brainwashed children - a BIBLE COLORING BOOK - for 99¢! Show that you, albeit a godless motherfucker, still have a sense of humor, and a leg up on him - even though that leg, along with the rest of you, is going to hell.

You will be needing to ship a few gifts to relatives who live in the flat and dusty Elsewheres of America. These are relatives who have limited travel to a Carnival Cruise, once and upon retirement. They hold the belief that your choice of moving to California, particularly LA, has caused instant brain damage. You are now just one of the ‘fruits and nuts' a.k.a. all southern Californians. For them, we have a taste of that forbidden fruit - CALIFORNIA FRUIT SLICES - for 99¢! - from the land of surfboarding freaks and fornicating movie stars. This gift of course will remain forever in its original wrapping - found at last when they all die off and someone has to clean out the basement.

For your older brother, the Vegan with the yellow-y emaciated limbs, here we have a HEAD OF LETTUCE - organic! - for 99¢! This will give him something to eat on Christmas day, since, invariably, there will be nothing at the Christmas buffet that he can gnaw on, but the buffet table itself. For desert, show again your respect for his alimentary needs with a delightful PEANUT FRISBEE - nut protein, and a lot of it, for 99¢! This will give him something to feel even more superior about - watching you all, with his Uni-bomber eyes, pollute your bodies with dairy-based custard pies.

Inevitably, there is the cousin who reached his apex of popularity in high school. He played in a band, styled his hair like Peter Frampton, even going as far as to use cream rinse conditioner and a curling iron. For a window of time, he was super cool. And this meant never having to beg for a blow job. Then, summer was over and everyone went to college. He remained in his parent's basement for the next few decades cursing the dolts who never recognized his musical genius. For him, I offer a reflection of who he thinks he is: A LUXURY WALLET - for 99¢! He might weep a little when he opens this, and hug you with a crooked arm around your neck. You can't breathe but don't panic; it will be a well-meant choke hold. You will have shown him that he deserves the best -- and he'll believe it.

This brings us to Grandpa or Grandma or anyone in your family with a bad hip. Here we have a DRAGON-HEADED CANE WITH A MARBLE IN ITS MOUTH - for 99¢! At least I think it's a dragon. It's something out of the Fantasy School of Beastslike Things. Or, Things That Scare Me.

Finally, there is always the relative you like best, one for whom you have a true and warm nugget of love, the size of a corn kernel aflame, tucked into your heart. Go whole hog here! For this special loved one, I suggest a holiday basket of things both practical and oddly odd: HORSEHEAD WITH SWIRLY EYES, A BAG OF 20 COMBS, a CERAMIC CHRISTMAS PENGUIN, MEN'S GOLDEN-COLORED AFTERSHAVE, and an AT-HOME DENTAL KIT - each for 99¢! Show them that quantity DOES add up to something of quality - the quality of how you feel about them - since no one else gets as much stuff as they do! So there!